I think I rambled on about being annoyed by ADHD diagnoses focusing too much on childhood before, yes? Well I’m about to ramble a bunch more, as I am wont to do, but it’s less bitching and more introspection. As I gained freedom from the preordained schedules of primary and secondary schooling, I was left with a degree in my hands, a year working in a call centre, and because of that a newly lit desire to further educate myself. So I still maintained a somewhat rigorous schedule up until university. The first year of university was really packed, so I still had a lot of accounted for time that I committed to a schedule (partying and drinking just meant that I was suffering from hangover on some days). Then the whole cancer saga happened.

I still didn’t start new hobbies or anything expensive. I was hospitalised and managed to introduce myself to the main Final Fantasy series by playing the much loved VII:th iteration as well as Monster Hunter via Portable 3rd (those hours of clawing a PSP are still rather memorable). I had a lot of time (and falling hair) on my hands, but I managed well enough. After about 150 hours of Monster Hunter P3rd I decided I wanted the newest one (Generations) and a Nintendo 3DS XL to play it with. I started putting hours into that as I was in and out of the hospital. I kept with it even after my stem cell transplant as I temporarily lived around Helsinki for later treatments. I bought a few more games for my 3DS over time, but they didn’t result in anything too groundbreaking (like a life-long addiction, as is the case with Monster Hunter). As I was in temporary accommodation for months, I didn’t have my desktop PC with me, so I had to make do with other things. I happened to suddenly grow interested in Pathfinder when a Humble Bundle for books popped onto my radar.

I had played a bit of Dungeons and Dragons with a few friends from work (of whom I’ve unfortunately only managed to talk to just one after my brief revisit to Ireland before university for one of their weddings). I had enjoyed my time playing it and I bought the bundle of books. Not having much to do, I started reading the rule books in my (plentiful) free time. I also got invested in the lore of the world of Golarion, the setting of the RPG. I played a short game online over Roll20 and Skype (of all things). It was in a custom setting and I didn’t really grow too fond of it. In general I’ve noticed that I like sticking to official materials and lore because it gives a shared world that everyone can read about instead of it being determined by a game master. I played through a Dungeons and Dragons 5e game locally and I liked it, but once again it was a custom world and that kinda just takes me a bit out of the adventure. I also got (permanently) burnt out on 5e – it felt like there weren’t enough options to flesh out your characters. But I’ve digressed a tad. I figured I’d run a game myself as much as the idea terrified me, because if no one else, it HAS TO be me.

I had started to listen to a real play podcast of Pathfinder called Glass Cannon Podcast on my rehab walks. They were playing an official campaign called Giantslayer. The hosts’ shared chemistry and the story being tied into the world of Golarion got me hooked – I wanted to run an adventure path because of this. I wanted to run Reign of Winter. It was absolutely batshit insane, so I fell in love with the idea of it. Once I got back to university, I got my beloved PC back, upgraded it a bit, and started mentally preparing to gather people for a Pathfinder campaign. I did some recruiting, got a few candidates online and asked two of my university friends to join. We played for two of six chapters of the campaign in the end. I had, of course, bought the whole set. Things were just about to get so much more insane, but the group kinda just petered out. Maybe I’ll continue it one day. To give a short teaser of what would have come after: Baba Yaga, her hut, an alien world with a war, and Rasputin (yes, that Rasputin). If any of the would-be players of Reign of Winter read this, don’t look into it any further – it’ll be so much better experienced as players with as little foreknowledge as possible. Anyway, I had a short campaign of my own design for a few friends, and I enjoyed it greatly, but that too petered out before long. I’m currently running a Pathfinder 2e campaign with a few friends, but I think we can hold onto this for a bit longer (hopefully to its conclusion). We do it on stream, actually (whenever we actually do stream). But speaking of streaming.

Streaming is something that I got into with the same friends I’m playing the 2e campaign with. We just wanted to share our gaming shenanigans with the world because we’re absolutely hilarious (according to ourselves). I started going into it fairly hard over time, doing background research on how things run, and then I started buying bits and bobs, ordering emotes, etc. It’s the whole streaming thing that is to thank for me having an actual microphone that requires a physical audio interface. Hell, I even bought a green screen. A camera stand, a setup to use my digital camera as a webcam, etc. Hundreds of buckaroos in equipment. And I do like a couple of streams a week at most. But I do still do it. And thankfully the camera and mic setup works for university work as well, so even if I didn’t stream, it wouldn’t have been a waste.

One might be able to see a pattern of over investment into hobbies by now. The previously mentioned PSP and 3DS had already been gathering dust for years at this point. I really get into Pathfinder every now and then outside of the game sessions (that have proven fickle because of life circumstances) for a few weeks before it kinda just passes again. And this is the crux of all of the things I get into: they generally last for a few weeks before they fall on the wayside unless there’s something scheduled regularly.

Some other interests or hobbies:

• I got into Magic the Gathering in secondary school, put hundreds into that, and when my friends who played it moved, I started losing interest. I played for a while longer semi-regularly with some other local players, but it felt like playing “who buys the strongest deck” pretty fast. I picked it up again in university, but I lost interest for the exact same reason – it became an arms race.
• I got into photography when I lived in Ireland. My housemate was willing to loan her camera to me so that I could see if I liked it. I did, and I bought the very same model a week later. I also bought a (shitty) laptop from an electronics store (huge mistake). All this was in preparation for my trip to Japan. The laptop was there for the uploading of pictures and starting this very blog! As can be seen, my blog has suffered the same fate as all my other endeavours. But I keep coming back here because I do actually like writing out my thoughts. Photography I committed to every now and then and I’d still do it if I had the physical fitness to do what I want: nature photography. But that’s in the naphthalene (a Finnish saying meaning it’s sitting in storage etc.) for now, so add it to the pile.
• I started learning Japanese as a hobby during secondary school. One summer I was bored and academically starved (because secondary education is insultingly unchallenging) so I got into it. I got some books after some weeks of random online learning, went to a folks institute for a course in Japanese (and bought the book they used for it), and I picked the language up at university too. I started studying the language seriously again just this semester. My language skills are rusty as I’ve neglected regular study for many many years. Hell, some of my flash cards (that I invested a lot of time in, but thankfully they’re free) have been waiting to be reviewed for over TEN YEARS. There have been pockets of returned interest, but they’ve remained brief ventures until now.
• I bought a lockpicking kit and a few practice locks a few years ago. I watched lockpicking shorts on Youtube for a couple of weeks before I ordered this stuff. I’ve dabbled a few times, but I’ve not gotten very far. It’s relaxing to twiddle with the locks though. I’ve been recently thinking about it a bunch, and I think I might end up focusing for a few days or weeks.
• I bought a drawing tablet a year ago to get an excuse to practice drawing. I’ve done drawing practice on a handful of occasions. I’ve started utilising the tablet for my Japanese studies though (practicing writing the characters). I’m glad I showed restraint and got a sub-100€ It’s not less than 100, but it’s less than 200€. I almost fooled myself to thinking I got it for cheaper. Still though, this is a relatively modest investment.

The pattern should be fairly clear, yes? Well, none of this holds a candle to my behaviour with video games. I will not go into numbers (I am terrified of what I’d find out), but dear lord have I spent a lot of money on games that I’ve played for a dozen hours before moving on to something else. What that something else is? Whatever I’m in the mood for. Colony simulator? I’ll install one of the dozens I have or maybe I’ll buy one I’ve been eyeing for months or years. RPG? MMO? FPS? Rhythm game? RTS? All the same reaction. Thankfully I’ve put some breaks on the excessive spontaneity because I actually recognise the behaviour, but it’s irresistible from time to time anyway.

All of this put together has had me think of ADHD. I don’t think it’s the brainrot and shortened attention span from years of watching short form content on Instagram – which definitely is a factor – nor do I think that it’s a result or symptom of my medical condition. These things may have just reinforced something I’ve had with me for far longer than either of the scapegoats can account for. I strongly believe that it has only started manifesting clearly later because I’ve had an increasingly loose schedule to adhere to, increasing (relatively anyway) funds to be spontaneous, having gained a new perspective on life from a life-threatening disease. The last one in particular has been a fundamental development in accepting opportunities as they show themselves. I started seeing something interesting, something positive in everything.

And now I have reached a point where I feel like there is no time for everything I want to do. And a lot of that I want to do because I’m anxious about the future… which further causes anxiety when I acknowledge the inevitable fate of all my interests – passing fancies that I can never hold on to long or strong enough to achieve what I would like to. Everyone has these feeling to some extent, absolutely, but I can’t help but think that a “normal” person doesn’t have these feelings in a manner as excessive as I’ve described.

Thank you for reading this absurd post of mine. A little introspection and venting does one good every now and then. I’m sure someone thinks this is ultimately just me being weak of will and that I’m a typical pullamössö milleniaali. I can’t say they’d be wrong, lol.

P.s. This has been sitting unpublished for two years now. I completely forgot about writing it, probably because I was meaning to add some images to accompany it. I guess it’s here now.