I haven’t written in a long while now. Part of that has to do with me being horrendously lazy, but the other part has to do with me actually being busy with university and the social events it brings. These social events have been fairly important for my sanity already, but sometimes I just feel like I’m being a burden despite there really not being signs telling me that. It is most definitely something that I feel is wrong with myself, rather than anyone else. So. I want to write a little bit about how I socialize and try to avoid being a burden on anyone.
I like people. I wouldn’t want to hang out with people if that wasn’t so. More than that, I care for the people I hang out with; I’m interested in how they do and who they are. The best way to get to know people and enjoy myself is to hang out with them, but I feel like I’m being a burden at times. For example, when everyone wants to go to a club to dance and such, I go with them, but I stay out of the dancing business. I am then told, more often than not, that the people I am with don’t feel it’s right to leave me to my own devices while they enjoy themselves. I wave off their concerns and just ask them to enjoy themselves, which then relieves me of being a burden on their enjoyment. Or does it?
I still feel awful for causing needless worry among my companions, ending up feeling like a burden anyway. So shouldn’t I just stay away from clubbing? Dare decline the summons? Perhaps. But what kind of an image of myself do I paint with that? Why would they extend their invitations to me in the future if all I do is decline their approaches? I may worry needlessly, for I feel that the people I associate with understand my inability to enjoy the dancefloor. But I worry still. I worry of being a burden and getting cast aside. This may be overly dramatic, but I can’t help the way I think.
So, how do I avoid being a burden? Well, I try to stay out of peoples’ ways when they talk; not adding anything when I don’t have anything substancial to add to the topic at hand. I tend to start adding (more) pointless drivel to peoples’ topics when I’m slightly intoxicated, however. I also don’t like to approach other people due to me feeling like I am disturbing or distracting the person – even at a social event in which I am meant to mingle. I don’t know how others experience my silence or inaction, but I feel as though I’m being courteous – most definitely excessively so. Because of my bizarre, unsocial way of caring for others, I try to avoid inconveniencing them in any way. This is why it’s unlikely for me to send any non-family member a message, no matter how close I am to them, a text or even a Facebook message.
So TL;DR would essentially be: I’m awkward and I keep thinking that my interactions with others are always an inconvenience.
I’ve tried to change my way of thinking about social interaction (as inconveniencing others) for some time now, but the progress is slow. I really want to thank those who keep dragging me to places I feel less comfortable in (clubs and such) because I think that may be helping my progress. Thank you also for being able to stand my awkwardness. Oh yeah, and thanks to those of you who actually read this rant that I ended up writing at 3 AM. The things you come up with during a 15 minute bicycle ride, huh?